How I realised my worth.

Last night I went to see The Greatest Showman Singalong in Theatre. And last night was when a lot of realisation hit me.

I’ve been having body confidence issues, I’ve been feeling alone and isolated and most of all I’ve felt like I had no one around me. I hate my stretch marks, I hate my over hang after my Caesarean and I hate my scar. I can’t look at myself in the mirror, I don’t feel comfortable in anything that I wear and I don’t feel like me. I live miles from my best friends and family and it’s gotten to me. A lot! 

My life has changed so much. And even though I knew it would change it hit me about 2 months ago how much it really has changed. I loved working and being busy, I loved my long shifts (well bar some days that even the word ‘stressful’ doesn’t cover), I loved my riding and being up at 6am, 5 days a week to do my horses before my shift. I loved my riding lessons at weekends. I loved being able to pop round the corner for a cuppa at my mums or being able to walk to my best friends and grab a pub lunch together. Now I feel completely cut off. Completely lost. Completely numb to everything. My nerves have hit me with riding, so I don’t ride. I hate my body and how I look, so I don’t go out. I don’t even have a reason to make me go out so I veg on the sofa in my PJ’s. I don’t know who this person is right now. This isn’t me surely? 

It has all had a knock on effect. I’m suffering, my horses are still feral, I feel like I’m not doing right by Albert by being stuck in and I’m cracking. So I decided I was off to stay at my mums for a few days. And the past 3 and a half days I have done more than I have done in a month.

Sunday afternoon I spent having lunch with my Mum and Step Dad, then enjoyed catching up with a friend and my sister and sitting in the kitchen laughing our heads off about all sorts. I went for lunch on Monday with my best friend. We walked around the local lakes and chatted about life and laughed at what we used to get up to and ranted about anything that had particularly annoyed us, picked her little boy up from school, said goodbye and then I ambled home. And I suddenly felt like a teeny tiny piece of me was creeping back. I suddenly FELT something, I didn’t feel numb, I felt like I was finding me again. 

Tuesday I spent relaxing in the sunshine in the garden and mooching to the local shop and grabbing a coffee with my mum, then having a girls night out together watching The Greatest Showman Singalong. Now that damn movie will always be held dear to me. I love it! Even more so, Albert was boogying along to it when I played the sound track before he made an appearance. And now it helped me realise something; I AM WORTH SOMETHING. I need time for me again. I do everything for my little boy and my partner, I’ve given up things that I loved for this. And of course, I don’t regret it or resent it, but I miss those things and they were what defined who I was. 

While I was sat there belting out the lyrics (c’mon, everyone knows ‘This Is Me’!) it hit me how something as simple as getting out for a little evening like that sparked a bit of passion in me again. Simply seeing a friend and catching up made me feel like I existed. Having my friends and family around me reminded me that I’m not alone. Having a reason other than boredom or a need to leave the house gave me something back, gave me something to get up for. Wednesday I walked to my old workplace and chatted and caught up with all the girls I used to work with. I am shattered and achy and tired but I feel so good! Today I’ve had my nails done with my best friend and it was amazing to be able to go and do something ‘adult’. I would say the typical phrase of ‘I don’t know what I’d do without my friends and family around me’ but I do know, I’d lose parts of me, I’d be bored and lonely and lost. They are a part of me and without them that part of me is lost. 

This week has reminded me that us mums give up so much of ourselves for our partners and children and we so easily forget about ourselves. We're selfless, we don't stop. We muddle along everyday for our little families. But take some time for yourself! I am going to, even if it means you have your children in tow, just get out, do something that excites you or makes you smile again. 


Albert enjoying the sunshine on Monday.

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Me and my Mum at The Greatest Showman. 

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Albert enjoying our walk on Wednesday.








Comments

  1. Oh gosh.. I'm sorry to hear you were feeling that way before. It's hard balancing everything, especially when they are so little. Fab to hear you've found a way to connect yourself back to the old you, even if just for a day. Everyone needs a little bit of 'me time' to recharge.

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    1. It's definitely been a learning curve with it all, hopefully onwards and upwards now I have (kind of) figured it out!

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  2. This is a very true story for a lot of mums. It is so hard when we become mothers and leave a lot of the old us behind. I am so glad you took a night out.

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    1. It's difficult and has given me a whole new respect for my own parents too. No one warns you about this part of being a mum!

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  3. There's so much change around becoming a mum - but it's really important to remember you 'can't pour from an empty jug' It sounds as if it's been a bit tough recently - try to squeeze in some self care for yourself and I hope you can get out in the country with your horse soon.

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    1. I hope so too Rebecca! I've missed the riding a lot but lost a lot of confidence too so fingers crossed I'll get my bum back in the saddle.

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  4. I can relate to this a lot. Self care is so important for everyone, but especially mums who rarely seem to find the time.

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    1. Absolutely! It's been tough to realise that it's okay too as well!

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  5. I really relate to this post. I completely very similar after my first and it has taken a long to time to get back to feeling like me.

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    1. It's a slow process isn't it. I'm not completely there yet but I'll keep plodding along.

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  6. So sorry you’ve been feeling so lost and alone but I’m so happy to read you had a lovely time with your family and have come to the realisation that you need to make time for yourself. I bang on about this all the time on my blog because it really is so important to not just be Mum/wife all the time, to be happy humans we need to do the things we love too xx

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    1. Absolutely! It's hard to find the time and I've almost forgotten who I was before being mum/partner xx

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  7. Aww I'm pleased you made that visit. I felt the same when my first baby was born - we lived on the West coast of Wales, my parents were in Hertfordshire. The distance didn't matter before the baby was born - but it felt like we were continents apart once she was with us. So we moved closer, and it was the best thing I ever did. It's important to look after your own wellbeing as well as others. I needed my mum.

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    1. Wow! We actually thought about moving to Wales, I'm glad we didn't take that leap. We're soon to be moving back to home, it was a hard decision but definitely the right one. We'll always need our mums!

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  8. I relate to this a lot at the moment. I don’t have a relationship with my mum and I feel pretty lonely most of the time. It’s true that getting yourself out there and doing things works wonders for your mental health when you’re a mum.

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    1. Bless you, sending virtual hugs (and a virtual cuppa, tea always helps!) It does but it's difficult to do! I don't like going out without someone with me, social anxiety makes it difficult x

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  9. I can really relate to this in the early days of being a mum and then again more recently. Once I started arranging things to have some time to do thing for me it made a difference.

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    1. I think I may have to do that, might create a 'Me Calendar' so that I make myself have me time!

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